5 People You Need to Unfriend on Facebook Right Now

Start with the couple doing the 500 day wedding countdown

I know some people are human car crashes (you know, they make it difficult to look away) but here are 5 people you should unfriend for your health ASAP.

1 The couple doing the 500 day countdown to their wedding

If you’re thinking, ‘Geez girl, calm down and stop exaggerating so much,’ then I envy you. Because this means we don’t have the above couple as mutual friends on Facebook. These couples are never done. The wedding will end, and every day for the next year, they will post a new favourite photo of the occasion. In between this, bear in mind, was the honeymoon. So for the rest of eternity, your feed will be packed with their wedding photos, honeymoon photos (why you sharing a photo of a fish you ate 14 weeks ago, though?) and monthly mini anniversaries. After the marriage will likely come the babies… unfriend while there’s still time.

2 The person who posts the ‘Click “Like” to save a life’ photos

Or the, ‘If you can scroll past this without sharing then you have no heart’ memes. I know, it’s tempting to keep them on your feed because they’re funny to giggle at, but mostly they’re just super annoying. Heed this warning: One day your annoyance will boil over into full-fledged rage and you’ll comment that, ‘Oh go fuck yourself, Susan’ or ‘Jesus doesn’t have Facebook, Susan’ comment that you’ve been dying to say. Your aunt from London who’s friends with Susan will see this and tell the family what a ratchet little child you are and you’ll be in trouble. Not worth the hassle… delete them.

3 Let’s be frank…. the liar

You know, the one who posts blurry and artsy photos of designer labels of clothes you’re pretty sure were never even purchased? The kind of person who captions ‘Versace Versace Versace’ and says they’re at a 5 Star resort in Cape Town when actually they’re lying next to you on your single bed in Bryanston (This is a TRUE story and happened to my friend who owns said bed.)

4 The over-sharers

Because this:

‘I gave you everything I had and you mistreated me anyway. I won’t say who you are, EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW, but I gave you the six best years of my life. FYI, ladies, take a look at the man lying next to you. Do YOU know who he is? Do you know who just texted him? I am done. Have fun with, “Stacey.”‘

5 Which brings us to the dramatic couple who gets back together every 4 weeks

I don’t really know if ‘Facebook Official’ is still a thing people do, but I could seriously do without the couples airing their dirty laundry on my feed. He’s all, ‘I never liked your mother anyway,’ and we’re doing this:

And then she makes a status insinuating something about him having a small dick and we’re doing this:

And then a week later they’re posting a status along the lines of:

‘OMG my baby just took me out for the best date ever and I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with him. No matter what life throws at us we’re getting stronger by the day Babe and I couldn’t do it without you can’t wait for our life together xxxxxxxx oooooooo xxxxxxxxx Mwah Mwah’

And then we left pretending we don’t know she ain’t satisfied in bed